I Just DGAF
It makes me sad but sometimes I think I actually live in a Mean Girls world. I hear women telling other women what they should and shouldn’t wear, eat, or do. For example, yesterday I overheard a conversation in the lunch room about wearing Birkenstocks and whether or not one woman should get a pair. The two women were talking about how they’re not THAT bad, but the prevailing thought from another group of women in their circle was that, no they’re not fashionable and they’re ugly. As I sat at my desk I looked down at my Birkenstocks. Huh, well that’s cool, I thought. Eventually, I got up and went to the lunch room to get water and the women were still in there. They commented on my Birkenstocks and reiterated to me the story I had just overheard. They asked what I thought since I always wear Birkenstocks. I said, well I don’t really care. I think they’re comfortable and they support my feet… That’s what matters to me.
Today when I got dressed, I put on a cute skirt, a flowy blouse, and a pretty necklace. I wanted to wear a cute pair of peep-toe booties but, after Physical Therapy yesterday, my Birkenstocks were calling my name. I knew I’d be happier and that I’d feel better wearing the uncool Birkenstocks… So I did it.
You’re probably wondering what the heck this has to do with health and fitness or this outfit… Let’s back track a bit and I’ll tell you.
I bought this crop top a few months ago and it’s sat in my closet with the tags on. I think it looks amazing and is super bad ass, but there it’s sat while I’ve waited for the day I feel leaner/musclier/more confident/insert similar word here. Not only has my focus been on how I feel, but it’s been on what others might think of me. And that’s when I realized that I’m part of the problem.
But I’m done and I just don’t give a fuck.
I’m tired of caring what people think about what I wear. Is it cool or faux pas to wear Birkenstocks? What if I just workout in my sports bra? Do these patterns clash too much? What if I want to dress up today but it’s casual Friday? If I curl my hair, are people going to comment about it? So many thoughts and insecurities can enter our brains throughout the course of a day. And those insecurities are all rooted in something deeper, and after much soul-searching, I think I’ve figured out what that is for me.
I really hate to admit it, but I’ve been so frustrated with my body lately. I don’t know where it’s stemming from; I just think it’s another chapter in my health and fitness journey. Going through a significant body change (in my case weight loss), you’re faced with working through many emotions and I’m stuck at my current point in the process of this journey to fully love my body again. I think that’s the funny part about this whole journey for me is at the point where I admitted to myself that I loved my curvy body and I was totally and completely happy with my body was when I was finally able to succeed on focusing on my health and fitness, resulting in my weight loss. But now that I’ve been “trapped” at my current point for a while now with no significant changes, I’ve unfortunately had many more negative thoughts about my body than I should. While I should constantly be loving my strong body for what it allows me to do day-in and day-out, I’ve been letting negative thoughts creep in, and what’s worse? Comparing myself to others.
I’ve been racking my brain for ways to rid myself of this current funk I’m in. Perhaps if I counted my macros more and really focused on eating clean for a period of time or what if I just did intuitive eating for a while? What if I said positive affirmations every day? All these ideas and more have poured into my head, but I think that I just have to start loving myself again and not give a fuck if someone might think I shouldn’t wear this crop top or that my Birkenstocks are dorky. It’s my life, it’s my body, it’s my style, and I’m taking it back.